go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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