Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize