im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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