I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
