She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I stole a fireplace last night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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