I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
