Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Boobs are out for the taking
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
