so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
