Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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