I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
