We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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