I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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