i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
