I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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