And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
