she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
