I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I wish there were birth control emojis
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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