i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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