I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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