if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
