Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
