I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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