Buhtt sex?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
