Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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