Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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