Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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