sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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