Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
