listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
