you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
