Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
