dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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