Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
