I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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