hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
