halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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