sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
