Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
