I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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