i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
