Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
