i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
