those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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