my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
nutella sex= disaster
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
