Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
