Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
