shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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