When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
