This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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