the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think your dad took our porno
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
