No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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