K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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