Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
