I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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