She is in my trunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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