Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
